Being a Man

I invited Jeff Allinder (a huge servant at The Bay) to write a Guest Blog for Men! Home run!


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What defines manhood? American Heritage gives it a good shot:

• The state or time of being an adult male human.
• The composite of qualities, such as courage, determination, and vigor, often thought to be appropriate to a man.

What defines courage, determination, and vigor in our world today? Most of us don’t go to work on a horse, combine, or a with a tool belt. For those that do, vigor is more direct and discernable. For the rest of us, it comes from golf, softball, hiking, or watching the NFL. For purposes of this discussion, I’ll classify vigor as an easy part of being a man. This is pretty hard-wired and doesn’t require much effort, so I’ll move past it. This brings us to courage and determination:

Most of us don’t have to face the wilderness or risk our lives to provide for our families, so opportunities to display courage look a lot different than the image in our minds. I propose that courage for most men is better defined as shunning temptation. Taking the more difficult path, putting the needs of others first, THESE things take courage. Having moral and ethical integrity when no one is watching…that’s determination.

What does that look like for the average North Tampa/Westchase professional man?

• Avoid the casual flirtation with a female business associate, that girl at the gym, or wherever it presents itself. Instead, renew your marriage by recasting your wife in the light you remember from early dating time. Take that rush of exhilaration you got when your first dated her and put it on a shelf in your mind so that you can take it down and drink from it any time. Use that to keep those other doors tightly closed.
• Instead of tearing down other people, look for opportunities to build them up. There are always examples of people who aren’t as (insert limitation here). When the inevitable opportunities arise, deflect them. Then look for ways to put a spotlight on people doing good things great and small.
• Take the heat. When your subordinate at work misses the ball, take the heat. When you need to discipline your child and they whine, beg, or scream, take the heat. When your wife has a tough day and vents about something you did, take the heat.
• Admit that you don’t have it figured out. When you need something from your wife, tell her about it and ask her for it. Don’t get mad at her for not meeting a need you haven’t expressed and go looking elsewhere. When you need help, ask a friend. Cultivate relationships with men that you can lean on when those times come.
• Don’t be a victim. Don’t look for slights, lament bad fortune, or live with a sense of entitlement. Life is tough, and things aren’t going to go your way. Don’t allow your attitude to be determined by circumstances.

To me, these things require and represent courage. Doing them consistently requires determination. It is easy to look at guys who have screwed up big time and either dismiss them, pity them, or even sympathize with them. But they didn’t get there in a day. Instead of doing those things, seek to demonstrate courage, determination, and integrity every day. Seek out other men to do it with. Look for support, encouragement, and maybe even correction from them. Remember to have an eternal perspective and the joy that can overcome life’s challenges through recognition that the battle is fought and won. Be a man.